Being a new mother the 2nd time around...

Being a new mother the 2nd time around..., originally uploaded by cel..

...should be easier right? Granted, its been six years but I've already been through the leaky diapers, late-night feedings, sore nipples, non-existent sex life, and the colicky cries. So, why does it seem so much harder now?

Maybe it's because back then I was a SAHM for my daughters first year of life. I was her sole provider. Now, with my son, I have to go back to work when he's a month and a half. I'm already dreading returning! I already have seperation anxiety. I'm trying my hardest to take advantage of the time I have with him now, but I can't help but be depressed about it.

With my daughter, I breastfed exclusively for 18 months. In the beginning it was tough because she too had jaundice and was supplemented with formula, but I pumped and bottle-fed her my milk until she got used to the breast (although it took 2 months). Now with my son, it took 9 days postpartum for my milk to come-in and even so, it's not even
enough. I only pump enough to barely cover the bottom of the bottle per double-pumping session. I should be getting at least 1.5 ounces by now. That reason and because we're still pending the results of his Galactosemia test, I've been supplementing with a soy-based formula. It's so frustrating and stressful. I know the stress may be attributing to my low milk supply, but damn I'm doing everything I can! I really do try hard to stay positive, I attempt to nurse at every feeding for half an hour if he latches on, and I pump for 15-20 minutes afterward. I'm even taking some galactogues (Mother's Milk tea & Fenugreek seed pills). Imagine, nursing for 30 minutes, bottle-feeding for 20, then pumping for another 20 minutes 7-10 times a day just to establish my milk supply?!

I AM EXAUSTED!

My goal is to nurse exclusively once the negative test results are in, which should've been yesterday but his pediatrician said it can take another week. Great. I've only got 4 more weeks to accomplish this goal otherwise I'll have to formula feed which is something I really don't want to do. I know formula is just as good as breast milk. After all the Mr. was formula-fed and I know a ton of smart individuals and other kids who were as well, but I feel like like such a failure if I can't even nurse for a few months.

It doesn't help that my son cries bloody murder at every diaper and clothing change or that I have a 6 year old who needs to be driven to and from school 5 days a week. Oh and don't forget having to help with homework too. This is all so overwhelming and I can't imagine how much harder it'll be when I return to work. How do you working moms do it?!

I just want to give up sometimes.